Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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new year update: losing everything but weight
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Hamburger Hinderer.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
SPLOOT
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once