Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017