Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

Cannot stop laughing at this

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

Like sleeping!

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend