Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog