Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.