Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
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“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.