Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.![]()
You Might Also Like
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I hate my earbuds.
![]()
I’m going to need a moment here.
![]()
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Never forget.
![]()
![]()
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
![]()
We avoided this particular disaster
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I put the hot in psychotic.