Croquettes are not female crocodiles
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If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
💀 😭
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man