Croquettes are not female crocodiles
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Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
when mom throws a party…
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My dad teaching me to drive
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.