Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.