Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a