Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Look at this
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?