Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

A fake ID that makes you younger

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.