cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
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My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
me logging onto twitter
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Good morning
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”