cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]