Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.