Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*