crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I have two kinds of followers
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯