Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Who’s ready for Friday?!

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?