crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
that de-escalated quickly
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.