*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Just why bro?!
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Mouse
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆