Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA: