*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Stick it to the man
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
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