*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
me, too, girl. me, too.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan