Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
#TopTip
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.