Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me