Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.