Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Boating season is upon us.

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

A customer told me they were never coming back….

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows