Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!