*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
In Canada they just call them geese
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Lassie, get help!
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.