*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
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Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
#parenting
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
