*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”