Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

#growingpains

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph