Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”