Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.