[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
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This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.