Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

Overindulged this afternoon.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face