Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

For anyone who needs this today

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.