crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩