crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
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The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
dads on road-trips be like
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question