Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
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The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Chicken bread
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers