Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
You Might Also Like
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?