[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
He-man has a Masters degree
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*