Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.