[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.