[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Real bees work best
