[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.