[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
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It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
How it started How it’s going
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.