Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
*writes down password on a random envelope* This should be fine.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot