Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
For the orator and chef in all of us
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print