Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”