Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google