Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

If looks could kill

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

Y’all ready for this

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.