Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here