When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
You Might Also Like
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
A short story about romance.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
This is enough internet for the day.