cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site