Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

White Castle for the Win

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.