Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

Can’t. Being lazy.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.