[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
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Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco