Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

never ask a starfish for directions

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.