Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

Worth remembering.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.