Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

? 💀

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

Baking is just science you can eat.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.