Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’m aging like a fine banana
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.