Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
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Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
She might be a genius
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Fights fire with marshmallows
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.