[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
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People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Self-cleaning conscience
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Thursday Thought.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”