[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas