[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.