Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?