Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals