Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”