Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep