Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.