Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).