Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
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I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
not to brag, but mine was free
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
No chill.
Only short people can save us
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”