Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’