Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

Rather alarming headline…

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you