Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet