Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

I bet birds love this building.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”