cry laughing at this shit
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[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
me when i see my girls butt
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
That’s amazing.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy