cry laughing at this shit
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
another case of gang violins
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind