Cry smarter, not harder.
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Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.