Cry smarter, not harder.
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the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended